Stop Apologizing for Existing: My Experience With Workplace Gaslighting as a Woman of Color

Have you ever had to apologize just for making someone else uncomfortable?

I have.

I walked into a new job at a state health department full of hope. I was the only person of color there, but the hiring manager promised innovation, growth, and meaningful work. I even took a pay cut because I believed in the mission.

It was all rainbows and butterflies — until someone from another department quietly asked me:

“Why do they treat you this way?”

I was stunned. What do you mean?

She told me that behind closed doors, people said awful things about me. She urged me to talk to HR.

That was the first crack. Soon, the whole mirror shattered.

• My ideas were dismissed.

• Colleagues spread false stories (one even told my supervisor I ignored her emails — emails that were never sent).

• I was told to “just get to know them” if I wanted to collaborate.

• People claimed I ignored their greetings — something so opposite to who I am.

For the record: I hate unread emails. I mentor, I connect, I respond. But suddenly, I was painted as unapproachable and rude.

I realized what was happening — gaslighting.

(Yes, like the movie, where women were labeled unstable for showing emotion.)

Slowly, I began doubting myself. Did I miss something? Did I freeze up? No. The truth: I was being undermined.

It got so bad I developed severe anxiety. I went on medication just to cope. My once-confident self — a skilled public health professional and subject matter expert — was being broken down.

To make matters worse, they tried to merge my role with another opening, piling on responsibilities without fair pay.

I left that job bruised — anxious, depressed, and unsure of my worth. And honestly, a year later, I’m still rebuilding.

But here’s what I know now: Don’t ever apologize for being yourself. Don’t shrink or second-guess your value. You belong. You are enough.

If you’ve ever been gaslit at work, know this — it’s not your fault. You don’t have to stay silent, and you are not alone.

💬 Have you experienced workplace gaslighting or felt forced to apologize just for existing? Share (anonymously if you’d like) — let’s remind each other we’re not alone.